I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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