If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
