im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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