stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize