btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
