Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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