Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
