On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
