I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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