I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
even my farts smell like vagina
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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