We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
im holly from the hills drunk
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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