I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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