I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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