im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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