ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
