i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
