maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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