Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
