Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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