he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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