The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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