Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You are the jesus of drinking
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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