i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
What a dumb baby whore.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You ruined the universe
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
