Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
