yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I still have a little drunk in my system
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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