I need to stop coming to work sober
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he fucked my hip out of place.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
