I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
