Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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