I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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