remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
