Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
