i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
barbara walters just said penis...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
