Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
