My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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