dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
