A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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