If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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