guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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