What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
