This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
