and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
