And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
