I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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