How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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