New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
