My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
