i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
