Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
