i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
