totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
