I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize