I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
