I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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