I think I won the penis lottery.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
