She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
