Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
