I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
