life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
