She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
