so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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