I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
