1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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