omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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