A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
