It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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